Hey, and thanks for joining me on a journey to my inside self. I am an anonymous blogger looking to share my thoughts about the world. I write anonymously because sometimes my words are misunderstood by those in my life, but I find it helpful to share parts of my journey publicly. It helps others see their “me too” moments and feel a little less alone, and selfishly, it makes me feel like someone is listening to me, even if they’re not. I have no idea how well an anonymous blog does, but that’s not really important. What’s most important is that someone, somewhere, might be able to read my thoughts and somehow that connects us together.
I stumbled across the following last night while wide awake reflecting on my journey and current events that have caused me to look at my soul in the mirror (and stay awake all night long.
This is how the inspiration for this blog was born. I have always believed that life is infinitely a journey. And so in writing about the journey to myself, I know there is no real answer. I know that I won’t ever truly arrive, but the path is the most important thing. I do know that in this journey there will be quests and that the adventure of life is inherently around me in this journey.
I am having a rough time. One of the quests right now is to become more accepting in my darkness and light. I think I struggle with both and I’m not sure where that leaves me. I know that I feel a bit like I exist at the whim of interaction and introspection – and neither are entirely accurate. By interaction, I mean I define my worth in relation to others on their interaction or reaction to me. And we all do this! But when you don’t have a solid foundation of your own worth, this can get tricky. And when you aren’t really able to see your light very clearly, the darkness easily takes over. But when you can’t accept that we all have darkness, and that you do too, it is easy to become overwhelmed with shame.
Introspection has become quite the problem because when you combine that with a penchant for overthinking, over analyzing, disguised as “self awareness” you realize that you kind of hate yourself some days. This became evident in a recent conflict with someone. I act out when I feel that shaky sense of self-worth crumbling, I become the very awful things I believe in my head that I am, and I drown in shame. But that empathy we need to recover from shame isn’t always readily available. And so, you flounder.
I am not sure if this makes any sense to be honest, but in my head it does. In this blog, I hope to talk about those things as raw and honestly as I can. The things we don’t talk about – the trauma from our childhoods, taboo feelings (jealousy, misplaced grief, hate, etc), the pain we feel that we don’t want anyone to know, the masks we wear, the insecurities, and the heartaches. This blog is really about to that journey of knowing one’s self and healing. So anyone ready for that ride, please join me! I hope to share my learnings and tips for it.
I always say, write what you feel. But if you can’t, please read what you feel.
The Journey to Self 